be a mother, not a martyr

Ooh, I have many thoughts about this, and am now going to respond as a "potential breeder" (though having just looked horrified at how ENORMOUS my chin is on the photos of me in NYC, and considering the last boy I snogged was 23, I somehow feel this an unlikely path). Basically the appeal of children is a strange one. For example, I have just spent a glorious week in New York with my very good friend who I will call Gaby. She was always adamant she didn't want children, to the extent that a previous boyfriend of hers and she split up over the issue. She told me that when she and her current boyfriend, the lovely G, started dating she told him on their third date that she a) didn't want children and b) because of her career she couldn't leave NYC, and that if this was a problem for him, they ought not to bother (she is 37 and told me there is no point not being very direct at this stage). She said that now she is 37 she has finally been liberated from people telling her she will change her mind, and because of her decision not to have children, she is free not only to pursue her career, but a happy and fulfilling relationship, a good social life, and her other passions (namely horse riding, foreign travel, eating out in Ny's many varied eateries etc etc). I would totally reject people who claim this lifestyle choice as selfish, and less worthy of pursuit than raising kids. Also the idea that having children automatically makes you a better and more giving person is a load of crap. And, on the employment front, I always seethe when colleagues leave meetings early to pick up kids from school and think well I never ask for meetings to be held later to accommodate my hangovers, which is a product of my lifestyle and what I choose to do with my time. All this to say having children involves many sacrifices - financial, emotional and professional - and the only point in doing it is if you really want to. Be a mother, not a matryr - do it because selfishly you can think of nothing more wonderful than holding a little baby in your arms, or having a silly conversation with a toddler, or taking a four year old to feed the ducks, or introducing your recalcitrant twelve year old to an activity that will become their passion, or simply to have someone in your life who is such a tangible connection to the future, to experience a new kind of relationship you couldn't possibly have any other way, but don't prate on about it as if this is something you are doing for the good of mankind (or indeed as if this is a disability - offensive concept: it's a choice!). In other words I guess I'm saying that if Amanda decides having children is more important to her than her career in venerable academic institution, then she has to live with the consequences of that decision. It is of course unfair that men seem to be able to have it all - the family and the job -but I don't think the solution lies in making mothers some kind of sick victim who have to be given hundreds of special allowances. I agree with D - cheap, accessible childcare, and a more realistic approach from mothers AND fathers is needed: kids are time-consuming and selfish - they are designed that way. And loving them and wanting them despite this is the only way to give them a good start in life.