Presenting L

Name: L

Skin: Porcelain white, completely unblemished, entirely resistant to aging, and akin to the complexion of a 4-week old infant. Bitch

Colour of Aura (according to D): Rich, dark red

Career: Phenomenally successful. Has already surpassed the achievements of her (much older than her) colleagues, has a CV that is simply too long and complicated to read, and has written more books than some people have ever read. Sometimes all goes quiet from L’s corner, and we know she’s fretting over her latest masterpiece, holed up in a secret location so her publisher can’t get hold of her

Why L is so Unique: You could literally look at a brand of clothing (Jesiré), food type (rich, dark chocolate, mango, goat’s cheese), alcoholic beverage (Kir Royale), piece of jewellery (ethnic and detailed, with lots of stones) or colour (rich, dark red, of course), and think “L” – so strong is her aura

Essential Item Without Which L Cannot Function: Coffee. Lots of. It’s like her petrol

Number of Exhibitions At Which Portrait of L Taken By Famous Photographer Has Been Exhibited: 1. One more than the rest of us, though

Top 3 Rants: Dogged persistence of heteronormative patriarchy in 21st century; Yummy Mummies who run over people’s feet with stupidly enormous strollers containing impossibly tiny offspring; the fact that academics are not paid more than City traders