Dear Gordon

Dear Gordon,

So it looks like you're finally going to get to be Prime Minister. How you must be nearly sick with the excitement. No longer having to be the also ran, you can move your wife and two wee boys into the flat at number 10 - oh, but you've done that already. Still, you care a lot about working families, don't you? Indeed on Breakfast at Frost you said, "we have created stability in this country, and now we must ensure that the benefits go particularly to young couples who want to own their own homes, who find that house prices have been high, who could benefit from low interest rates, but they need some help to get on to the first rung of the housing ladder."

I'm just wondering, Gordon, since when has being attractive to a member of the opposite (or even maybe the same - but I doubt you include those couples) sex been a criteria for government help? Imagine the dole office - sorry love, you might not have a job, but you're a bit ugly, so we can't give you any dole money.

I'm also a bit puzzled as to why young couples need more help than young single people, when they at least have the benefit of a joint income? Oh, I get it. Single people are so tragic they can just rot away in bedsits. After all, they haven't discovered the joys of family life yet--unlike you, Gordo.

And why might those house prices be so high? You're Chancellor so maybe you could tackle that one? You've kept the 1996 deregulation of the money markets, only count inflation on things like baked beans and trousers rather than houses so you can pretend we live in a low inflation economy, you preside over tax relief for multiple home ownership and the buying up of good quality housing stock for investment rather than to be a home, and then whitter on about the government helping out, when it created the bloody mess in the first place. Those who bought 10 or 15 years ago have done very well out of the arrangement, but if I want a home, I guess I should lose some weight, get down the local nightclub, and pick up some dodgy bloke and get him to impregnate me. Never mind that I pay £1000s in tax each year, the only way Gordo will think I'm worthwhile is if I shack up with someone because then I won't be a hard-working individual but part of a 'hard-working family'.

Yes, Gordo, can't wait for you to be PM!