Best moment of 2007
It has been an annus horribilis, as Her Maj would say. Nothing good happened in 2007
Worst thing that happened in 2007
Am spoiled for choice here. It’s a toss-up between the following:
-New Year’s Day 2007 (should have known then) when my date went horribly wrong and then someone tried to mug me and I ended up stabbing myself with my own umbrella (floored the mugger, though!)
- Being made redundant and spending the rest of the year wishing I’d moved to Italy and kept my job (will never understand my own logic)
- Putting myself on a dating website
- Months of chronic insomnia, exacerbated by the torturous belief that if I went to sleep I would have to wake up in the morning, get out of bed and resist the urge to end my own life. Yes, it really was that bad
- When I think about it though, I am amazed (and clearly very vacuous) by the realisation that the worst thing that happened to me in 2007 – and believe me, it’s bad – is that I gained weight and can no longer fit into my Size Zero hotpants.
Most spectacular wardrobe malfunction in 2007
Runner-up: Accidentally exposing my left nipple (again! – see last year’s round-up), this time to dearest Ken, our revered Mayor of London
Winner: The pink post-it/breast moment
Number of parties attended in 2007
Approximately 365
Amount of really grim vomiting stories resulting from said partying in 2007
At least 5 stand out. I was too out of it to notice the other 360
Celebrity sightings in 2007
- Stephen Spielberg (at a private section of the beach in Malibu – I know all the right people, dahhhling)
- An American Idol contestant (at The Grove in LA)
- Several Big Brother contestants (must start frequenting less tacky places)
- Princess Beatrice (must start frequenting less pretentious places)
- Noel Gallagher and Sara MacDonald (on Wigmore Street)
- Russell Brand (swoon! – in various places)
- David Gest (in Gilgamesh)
- India Knight (in Gilgamesh)
- Ross Kemp, Rachel Stevens, Jeremy Edwards (separately – on Christmas Eve)
- Noel Fielding (outside Annex Trois. J’s sister is a mad fan, and he called her and got Noel Fielding to speak to her, while I pointed my camera ‘phone in his face and took a blurry picture, and Noel Fielding’s friend told me I was out of order
- George Michael (at Café Nero in Hampstead). In fact, it wasn’t him at all, but for weeks, my friend I and I sat there staring at him marvelling at how little he was, until one Sunday he removed his cap and sunglasses and turned out to be black and not George Michael at all
- Les Dennis (scraping the bottom of the barrel here – coming out of the George Michael concert in June)
Amount of men dated in 2007
In excess of 50. I’m not joking
The one in the rain with the 22 year old. There was another good one somewhere in 2007, but it all ended in tears, tantrums, a little stalking, a lot of obsessing, and J threatening to call the police on me. My first date with The French One was quite fun too, until we were asked to leave the bar on account of "lewd and inappropriate behaviour". How very George Michael of us.
Worst date of 2007
Again: several contenders. The New Year’s Day date with the food diary and vitamins was not my proudest moment. I had a particularly awful date back in August with someone who had worked in Ghana and the only social observation he had returned with was the proliferation of prostitutes he had had to fend off. He said this proudly, as though they were women with a choice who had chosen to find him attractive. (I couldn’t even imagine a nymphomanic animal wanting to shag him. I left after 5 minutes.) Or the date where we had a shouting argument about the taxation system. He was a facist aged 37 who still lived with his parents and regurgitated their dated, suburban rhetoric to anyone who would listen. I would not.
Sanest and most functional man dated in 2007
The 22 year old
Number of times heart broken in the cruelest and most achingly painful manner possible
Erm, just the once, thankfully
Place discovered in 2007 where one can find – should one be mad and so wish – the highest ever concentration of pathetic, indecisive, dysfunctional, unreconstructed Mummies’ Boys
JDate
Number of evil bitch sisters (EBSs) who extorted flat out of mother in 2007 while i was miserable, unemployed and penniless
One. (The other EBS only managed to extort a holiday out of her.)
Amount of months spent not on speaking terms with said EBS, following pointless argument over tactical voting in general election
Eight (in sane families, people fall out over money)
Click here for an example of my family’s insanity
Number of lovely long-lost musician cousins befriended in 2007
Two. They are twins.
Number of new jobs in 2007
Two
Number of new jobs that made me want to poke eyes out and in which was forced to work in all-male office of racist, xenophobic, sexist, unreconstructed, hateful individuals, but that in hindsight only took because recruitment consultant was manipulative and good at her job, and because i was desperate, depressed, deluded and unemployed
One. One too many, though.
Number of new jobs in which slightly quirky boss is endeared by my scattiness
One
Number of self-help books read in 2007
Clearly not enough
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