Moving On Up

And so the end of an era is nigh. At the beginning of next month, Male Model and I shall be parting ways, and I shall never again have to live in a block of flats. Oh, raaaahh, these bloody newbuilds, with their paper-thin walls, lack of sufficient windows and fire-proof heavy doors. The whole set-up is too communal for me, especially given my proximity to Screaming Orgasm Woman upstairs, Dope Smoking Students downstairs, and Sleazy Martial Arts Expert Avec Fiancee Who Every Once In A While Makes A Pass At Me opposite. And that ghastly cat, thanks to whom I live in constant fear. Will it be lying in wait for me on the stairs in the morning, its clear green eyes glinting with evil as it stares me out and refuses to budge? Will it jump out at me when I open the front door, its tail (shudder!) raised in hatred and defiance, as it hisses threateningly at me? The constant fear and uncertainty generated by Evil Cat has raised my blood pressure immeasurably.

And Male Model. Hmmm. Well, I certainly won’t miss the mess and the dirt; the shoes left all over the place; the grubby fingerprints on the glass coffee table, the dog-eared evidence of his having perved all over my art (not porn, thank you very much) books, the sodding fish tank and his dubious methods of cleaning it; the numerous and pointless electrical gadgets…

Although, bless him, the boy has been an absolute sweetheart, counselling me through my recent difficult period, giving me boy advice (which sadly has not helped at all), supporting and encouraging me, feeding me leftover Christmas chocolate and various delicacies from the M&S food hall and generally being very lovely.

But, the time has come for me to continue my slow progression up the Northern Line, further into the centre of London. Hoorah for urbanism! My new living companions will be South African Male Accountant and South African Female Teacher. I dread to think what cringeworthy stereotypes we collectively form of a Jewish household, but they are lovely, around the same age as me, and more importantly, committed to a clean, tidy and hygienic lifestyle.

Now all I need is a new job. And if anyone is offering to make all my dreams come true, please bring me a man with no “baggage”, who will not break my heart.