My own thoughts on this issue, from a different perspective. I'm not responding to D as such, but relating interesting events which happened in the last few days and have shed light on the varying ways in which our gender informs our professional and our personal lives. and I suppose my overall comment would be this: although I agree with D that sounding off about your right to do whatever will never be conducive to excellent promotion prospects at work, it is still incumbent upon us to recognise that gender is a factor in how we are treated, and (even if only privately) our awareness of this IS part of our feminist consciousness.
Example number 1: I was at home in Devon last week. My Mum launched into this description of an article she'd read in the Daily Mailygraph about women who'd given up high flying careers because they wanted to stay at home and (her voice turned gooey at this point) "look after their lovely babies." It always distresses me greatly, when my mum, whom I love dearly, assume great identification with, am immensely grateful to, and really enjoy spending time with, burbles this kind of reactionary shite, without even attempting to deconstruct it (even though she in fact, despite her mad love of babies, always went out to work apart from when my sister A was very little). So as I was pulling on my walking boots ( we were heading out to Paignton zoo) I pointed out to her that the problem with this was the selling of these women as perfectly contented in their femininity (a la feminine mystique), that in fact they hadn't really given up their careers but were being bank rolled by hubby in some set up "business" of their own and that no-one anywhere suggested that the men were trying to "have it all" by having careers and children, that the men should sacrifice their financial independence and hard-won professional respect in order to reproduce. Why is it always seen as women who have babies. yes, they push them out at the end, but usually the man has had some say in the matter of producing the child in the first place. It's like when newspapers and politicians bang on about women "choosing" to have babies late. Yes, because all these men are so ready to support women and help them raise their children and it's merely selfish women saying to all these 25 year old men "oh darling I couldn't possibly have a child yet because I have to climb the career ladder." For fuck's sake! Unfortunately I always produce this rant for my Mum, and get very angry with her, and my poor Mum ends up saying something like "well I just really like babies" missing the point entirely.
Of course, if I am more honest, there is something somewhat disingenious about this rant. While I think it is perfectly correct and logically unfaultable, and I believe it when I'm saying it, I wonder if part of the reason i get so angry is because part of me does want this too. Well, i wouldn't want to give up my career, but I do think I would like a family, and it depresses me when I think about it that this is a "choice" I won't have. I never used to think this but recently I have been wondering about where I see myself going in terms of these sort of goals. I even imagine myself living in some dire provincial town (e.g. Taunton) and having sprogs and being happy. Then of course common sense kicks in and i know it would drive me mad through boredom in a month. But why does this fantasy have such appeal for me at certain points?
Example 2: Last night I went to the Errigle to meet S for a few pints, and it all turned into a bit of a drink fest. We stumbled out at gone 1, popped to the Hatfield to get more booze (amazingly useful post 1am off licence) and ended up back at S's dancing on tables and swigging red wine til 3:30. It's times like this I love Belfast. S knows loads of people and we bumped into some really old mates of hers, in both senses of the word. I shall call them Tom and Tim. They were both very old in the chronological as well as friendship sense, like old enough to be our fathers, but a good laugh, and I ended up having a very animated conversation with Tim about Irish literature, film, famous people of Leicester, the year Simone Signoret won an Oscar (1960, fact fans) etc etc. What I'm saying is that i was probably (unintentionally) tipping over into flirting because for God's sake the man's 50 if he's a day. Anyway back at S's at the end of the night Tim came over and sat next to me and started asking me about what I wanted from relationships and what I thought of men, while trying to hold my hand under the table. We ended up getting a taxi back. He tried to hug me in the cab, and was stroking my hair holding my hand etc. I have to say had he been 25 years younger I would probably have invited him back. It was quite funny because he asked for my phone number, and I said oh ok then, but neither of us had a pen, so the taxi driver found us one, and then I didn't have any paper either, so the taxi driver gave me his receipt book to write my number on. God knows what the taxi driver thought (when I got into the car I began singing clouds from both sides now very loudly by Jodi Mitchell and asked him if he was a Jodi fan). So we shall see if he rings me (Tim not taxi driver!) . But anyway my point is Tim blahed on about how he was looking for a soulmate, and about how he would still consider having children and part of me was thinking my goodness it's amazing that you feel able to still think about your life in the way I am when you're 20 years older than me, and part of me was so annoyed as couldn't imagine 50 year old woman chatting up 30 year old man, but part of me was also flattered by the attention all the same. Basically I seem to be saying that despite it all, at the end of the day, in my personal life I find it very difficult to "be like a man". I think D is right to advocate it, and i agree with her points about being pigeon holed, but the things I want and the things that concern me do seem very linked to my gender. Even if I am aware that it's a result of socialisation rather than an innate biological imperative, that I wasn't born a woman but became one, that I am essentially engaged in a 'performative' trap, that women signify 'to-be-looked-at-ness' and passivity and we should challenge these binaries, it still makes no (little) difference to my everyday. How blimming depressing is that? Of course I suppose one strategy is to reclaim it (enjoy high heels lipstick etc), to hybridise it (worry about wrinkles and also have job that pays bills) but I don't know.
Thoughts very welcome.
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