Went to my mum's for breakfast this morning (cue from Evil Sister No.1, who was also there: "Boo, hiss, scowl, gnarl – what are you doing here? When will you be leaving?" Whatever.). Over a yummy pain au chocolate and my first gulp of caffeine in ages, my mum proceded to update me on the lives of all her friends.
One friend, M, moved to Australia a few months ago, got in touch with someone she hadn't seen for 30 years and pursued him endlessly until, enticed by a seemingly carefree and independent woman and bored by his 30-year marriage-with-2-kids-in-the suburbs, he embarked on an affair with M, in her words becoming "obsessed" with her, constantly calling and turning up on her doorstep. Well of course he did – she initiated the bloody thing, put him in a situation where of course he wasn't going to leave her alone, and then she "couldn't help but" sleep with him. Unsurprisingly, it ended unhappily. Turns out M is not quite the un-needy, carefree, independent soul she makes out she is. Presenting herself in the way she did was fine for a mid-life crisis-induced affair, but ultimately, the woman he wants to be married to is the "more stable" one, the suburban homemaker who makes him feel safe.
This induced an interesting conversation. I have complained to all of you at various points that friends have told me that if I want to have a relationship I need to "tone it down" (yes, someone actually said that), "come across as less independent", "stop putting up the armour and be honest about my vulnerabilities", "men feel intimidated by strong women". All these comments have infuriated me. Yet, I am beginning to think that there is a good point to these last 2 comments.
My point is this: although I would not ever advocate suppressing one's essence for the purposes of meeting someone, perhaps sometimes we are too political – I feel that women need to be strong and independent so this is what I portray. However, the facts are that (a) I am also as vulnerable and fucked-up as the next person, and (b) sorry, but men are intimidated by this, and as controversial as this sounds, sometimes, you have to work WITH a system, rather than AGAINST it.
I have always worked for shockingly male-centric, old boys' club type companies, and I learned a bitter lesson in a previous job, when I made a comment about the inherent sexism behind the remarks of a senior male manager. I was summoned to a formal hearing - with a witness and someone taking notes - and told thatI had to give the company the opportunity to defend itself (still makes me choke with anger), and that even if I chose to drop the issue, my complaint would still go down in my file. I realised then that I could choose between dropping it or being true to my principles. But the point of being true to one's principles is to bring about political change. What change would my comments have made? All that would have happened had I made a complaint was that I would have been known as a trouble-maker, and my career would have been prejudiced. So as a woman, I would be jeopardising my career prospects, and would have ultimately reinforced those men's perceptions of "emotional women, always missing the point". Eventually, I fought hard enough to have no reference made to the incident on my notes. I played the game, worked "like a man", and within a year I had been promoted. As far as I am concerned, this was an excellent lesson to learn for my future legal career. Surely the best way I can help to advance the cause of women in the workplace is by – I hate to express it this way, but – working like a man, and not playing the woman card. If women did this, perhaps more of us would make it to the top of the career ladder and pay scales. I want to be judged as a good lawyer, not as a woman who happens to be good at her job. And yes, I am saying that I want to be judged "as a man", but that's only because it is a male world because not enough women are in the same game as men – we differentiate ourselves. I don't think anymore that being that kind of feminist is conducive to social change. Same in politics, as F and I were discussing only yesterday. Posit yourself as "Woman", and you are rewarded with the job of Education Secretary or Health Secretary, or perhaps even more patronisingly, Minister for Women. Posit yourself as a gay man, and you are rewarded with Minister for Culture. Time to break down the barriers, I say.
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